Several months ago, my 5-year-old daughter began having intense emotional meltdowns. At first, I tried to determine the winning antidote. I tested different interventions and tried to monitor shifts in her behavior, however minute. But I quickly found that what seemed to help in one instance, did not in another. I wanted so badly to believe there was a right thing to do or say that would resolve these awful moments; the alternative seemed to be that we were both stuck, helpless, without an exit.
After many failed attempts and consulting some external resources, I came upon the wisdom that the most important thing I could do was to emotionally regulate myself, to remain as calm and grounded as possible. Emotional regulation is our ability to recognize our emotions and exert control over how we express and respond to them. It is not stuffing away unpleasant feelings, but accepting that they are present and choosing how we navigate and make sense of them.
This new approach was certainly no easier than the “doing” strategies I’d tried earlier. In fact, in many ways, it was harder. But it also was more impactful. It didn’t instantly defuse the meltdowns, but it provided a pathway for me and my daughter to hold steady through the tumult and eventually find our way to a calmer space.
Since that experience, I’ve been realizing how much this logic applies to navigating conflict – in any context or relationship. As a conflict practitioner and facilitator, I certainly believe there are lots of useful skills and approaches that can support generative conflict. It’s much of what I cover in my trainings and what I write about in these reflections. What has become clearer to me, is that those are only effective if we and, to some extent, our partner in conflict, have some base level of emotional regulation. For that reason, I’ve come to understand how this is a vital first step before any productive engagement in conflict.
This learning is deeply informed by brain science and studies on trauma. A core framework comes from neuroscientist and child psychiatrist, Dr. Bruce Perry, and taught to me by Dr. Amanda Aguilera of the Right Use of Power Institute: Regulate, Relate, Reason - the three R’s. Dr. Perry developed this concept through the lens of supporting children: first helping them regulate; then establishing connection so they feel seen and heard; and lastly, trying to reason and use higher level thinking to figure out what happened and what might be helpful in the future.
As with many things, the intentionality we bring to interactions with children can offer profound insight for us as adults. We too thrive from the scaffolding of first having a calm nervous system, feeling some level of connection to ourselves and others, and then accessing more cognitive skills. We may have quite a bit of knowledge about effective tools for constructive conflict, but if we are dysregulated, we are unable to access all that we know.
Dr. Aguilera also gives examples of what emotional dysregulation can look like: defending or denying, shifting or taking blame, minimizing or exaggerating, overanalyzing or shutting down – and then points out how much these track with conflict avoidance. When we are activated and become overwhelmed by that experience, we tend to do all we can to escape conflict. Perhaps, in a sense, our bodies know we are not prepared to engage in conflict well. But if we simply remain in this activated and avoidant state, we never address what’s going on and may do harm to others in the process.
For each of us and at any given moment, emotional regulation looks different. I often try to move my body and release pent-up energy, whether through unclenching my jaw, walking, or taking a long exhale. I also find that writing helps me to make sense of what I’m feeling and have some distance from it; externalizing my thoughts and feelings help me identify them as something I’m experiencing and not an unalterable, permanent state.
For you it might be one of these or perhaps reaching out to friend, listening to music, practicing mindfulness, repeating a mantra, or any number of other things. The point is not to be perfect or seek a magical cure-all that always works. If that is our goal, we will certainly fail to achieve it. Instead, we can experiment with small ways to stabilize, to find our footing when we inevitably become overcome in moments of conflict or discomfort. From there, we may well find the solid ground to venture through and to confidently face whatever comes next.